Week 3: Crashed and burned

I fell off the wagon. Totally and completely. I stopped counting, I stopped trying, and I stopped caring. It was a rough week. N was sick. Work was very stressful, not just because I wasn’t there physically but also because we’re in a crunch period and I was working from home at night trying to get in a full day worth of work. During the day I was feeling torn between being there for N 100% and fulfilling all my work obligations (i.e plopping him in front of the TV so I could work). I didn’t deal with it well – I vacillated between irrationally resenting him for being sick and wanting to quit my job because all I wanted to do was focus on N. It was a recipe for emotional eating, binge TV-watching, staying up late and being unproductive.

But I’m not ready to give up. Tomorrow I start another week and I’m getting back on the horse. I want a do over. I want to do better. I want to eat well, I want to exercise, I want to stay calm, I want to see the silver lining. Those are my goals. It won’t be easy, especially this week, but I’m going to try. That’s the best I can do, right?

Week 2: The Lion, the Rat and the Cage

Week 2 was going so well. I had a record high day of 8 points. If only I’d exercised that day … But then Saturday came along and it all went downhill. A big, steep, careening out of control downhill.

N refused to nap and I was exhausted – an explosive combination. I lost my cool, big time. I stormed around the house, I spoke to him horribly, I yelled, I slammed doors – it was a full on mom-trum. And after an hour, he finally fell asleep on me, basically having cried himself to sleep. It was awful. And so disappointing to me too because after a 9-day stretch of peaceful parenting, I really thought I’d made progress. I thought the new peaceful me could handle anything, but clearly I was very very wrong. And now that I’ve fallen off the bandwagon, it looks like I’m staying there because this morning, and Week 3, started just as terribly. I walked out of the shower this morning to see this waiting for me in my son’s room.

Day 10: On a roll

It’s been 6 days since I lost my cool with my son. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I can’t say there haven’t been moments of gritted teeth, or muttered gripes, but I’m really proud of how I’ve handled all the ups and downs of toddlerhood in the past 6 days. I really hope this is just the beginning of a much longer trend. I’m really, really trying.

Week 1: Room for improvement

OK, Week 1 is behind me. It was far from stellar, I admit it, but it definitely made me think about my choices. It’ll take a little time to translate those thoughts into actions consistently, and in this case it’s not only the thought that counts, but it’s a start. That’s what I needed – a start.

Here’s the summary for Week 1. A quick explanation: since the exercise goal (second column) is for 4 times a week, I count 2 days of exercise as 50% success so I gave myself 3.5 points out of a total of 7 points (the number of days in the week). The same logic goes for de-cluttering and simplifying (fourth column). Since I accomplished the weekly goal, albeit all in one day, I gave myself the full 7 points. The other are self-explanatory (or at least I hope so).

Day 4/5/6: The good, the bad, and the ugly

So I’ve been MIA for two days and those two days were my worst and best so far of the challenge. The best day following the worst day was not accidental. I realized I need to be better. The worst was really bad. I think I failed in every one of my challenges. And in the one most important to me – positive parenting – I failed the most miserably.

I know this won’t sound like an epic fail to many of you, but I put my son in “time out” for the first time ever. As you can tell, I’m not a believer in timeouts. I don’t think they’re effective and I don’t think they’re respectful. And in my defense (not that I’m mounting a defense of any sort), it wasn’t intended as a time out when I did it. It really was intended to put my son in a safe place (his crib) where I could leave him alone long enough to A. calm down myself and B. clean up the mess he’d made that was the source of the conflict in the first place. But after it was over, I realized I’d handled it all wrong. I’d abandoned him while he crying hysterically, basically showing him that I couldn’t handle his feelings or, even worse, that his feelings were wrong. And I ended up cleaning up the mess myself, which didn’t teach him anything at all.

Day 3: To sleep, perchance to dream

Since sleep is my top priority today – not just because I haven’t earned a gold star in that category yet, but also because I definitely need more of it – I’m keeping it short today.

Day 2: Slow and steady wins the race

Or at least that’s my hope. I’m not quite diving into this challenge full force yet but there’s definitely been an improvement since the first day. I guess there wasn’t anywhere to go but up after the 2.5 disappointing stars I earned yesterday. Today the results are certainly better, but unfortunately not necessarily where it counts most (to me).

Day 1: Off to a meh start

I didn’t quite get off to the strong start I was hoping for. It’s harder than you think to make so many changes at once. Some I plain forgot about (I didn’t bring a mug from home for my morning tea and found myself using yet another paper cup); some I failed at miserably (6:30 AM and I already found myself swearing for no justified reason); and some I really tried but didn’t quite complete 100% (I polished off the last of the stuffed grape leaves in my fridge which were clearly stuffed with white rice).

But there were also a few successes: I started a virtual happiness jar. The idea is to write down the happiest moment of each day, with the thought being that even the suckiest of days have to have a slightly less sucky moment. And in theory, if we dwell on the positive, we’ll find happiness. I’ll let you know if it works. In the meantime, I’ve added a widget on the sidebar to share my happiness moments with you. Enjoy.

Pushing the limits

I’m doing this. I’m starting a blog. Yes, exactly what the world needs, another blog. But it’s not a blog for the world, it’s a blog for me. To hold myself accountable. Accountable for what? For the crazy challenge I plan to take on. I’ve always been a goal-driven person. I need a goal to get motivated, but once I have that goal, I embrace it with the tenacity of a Pit Bull (no offense to Pit Bulls – I know you’re a misunderstood breed). Some people would call it stubbornness but I like to think of it as a willpower of steel.

Or at least that’s how I used to be. But recently, for many reasons, I’ve lost it. I’ve been goal-less for a while and without a goal, I drift. No willpower, no self-control, no motivation to make a change, which in turn drives me into a depressive rut of self-loathing. And that’s where I am now.